How to Hit a Home Run in Bed

By Neerul Gupta

“After you,” he says, opening the door. Ladies first, right? Yeah, let’s see him say that tonight. But he probably won’t. Statistically speaking, he’ll leave the bedroom feeling like a champ, and you’ll leave thinking the game was rigged from the start.

The orgasm gap is a sad reality. In a study that ranked orgasm rates across sexual orientation and gender, heterosexual women came last. Or, more literally, not at all. Women tend to value their partner’s satisfaction over their own. We could dream of a worldwide feminist revolution all day (God knows I do), but in reality, many women will continue to have unorgasmic sex until they, metaphorically and literally, take matters into their own hands.

Ladies, whether you’re in the casual scene, partnered up, or in the hellscape of a situationship, you deserve to be satiated. And your man doesn’t have to have an athletic jaw or All-Star stamina to do it. (We won’t complain if you do, gentlemen!) Instead, consider a little investment. It doesn’t have to be a bank-busting Coochie Cannon 5000 …  my vibrator was $20 from the store across from my university apartment. Shoutout to the Target on Guadalupe St.

There are plenty of ways for both teams to hit a grand slam. But if your man’s swings have mainly been misses or you’re looking to spice up the game, introduce a buzzing addition to your play. Fellow unsatisfied women, you deserve to leave the game feeling your best. Take charge of your pleasure, and let the crowds go wild.

Practice like you play
Maybe you met a Major Leaguer who’s a natural at running the bases. Or if you’re me, he was a professional masseur who brought a vibrator with him. (A communal vibrator? Really?) But more likely than not, some dude from Bumble isn’t going to know your body better than you. Unless he’s, again, a strangely thoughtful masseur.

Mhm … Uh huh … Yes! That’s the spot!

Girl, is it really? The spot? Because the spot is in the infield, and he’s nowhere near the stadium. Many women feel obligated to vocally exaggerate their pleasure so their partner feels like they’re doing a good job. Oh, the irony — this part should be about your pleasure!

The clitoris is your home base, so scope it out with your vibrator solo without the pressure of performing. Discover what you like, how you like it, and share that with your player. And for everything holy in this world: stop cheering for a foul ball.

Hey, batter batter!
Call him over, and make a fun game out of it. Press this button. Yes, like this. Here are the settings. Cool, right? This one’s my favorite. Here, you try. Maybe he has a natural swing! But if your player swings out more often than not, you can lead. Here, I got it. Do this instead. You can focus on the bottom base, and he can take care of your top base.

But what will he think? Contrary to popular belief, nothing bad! One study reveals that heterosexual men who use a vibrator feel more intimate with their partner, increasing both their pleasure and sexual desire. Makes sense. It’s hot.

Ah, but not all men. He might feel threatened, instead wanting a more honest, thrust-forward journey to home base. However, less than a fifth of women orgasm through penetrative intercourse alone, and women are much more likely to finish with clitoral stimulation. But forget finding the clitoris; nearly half of men can’t even identify the vagina on a diagram. You all have much larger problems on your hands, gentlemen.




Look, there’s nothing wrong with dedicating time and effort to understand your partner’s pleasure. There’s also nothing wrong with working smarter, not harder. Your romantic partner should care about you, and he should carry that energy to the bedroom. What’s more honest than that?

And if you aren’t in a romantic relationship, chances are your casual partner will tuck away his ego for a night. Or, get this, he might even thank you. “This makes my job easier.” You and me both, Joe. (And Joe got extra innings for the British accent.)

Knock it out of the park
When I told my girlfriends about the newest addition to my sexcapades, they gawked in disbelief. How do you have the confidence? But it wasn’t about confidence. I was exhausted from looking forward to something that never came. Gender inequality already penetrates my public life. Who would I be if I let it do the same in private?

I’ll admit: I’m part of the 80% of women who’ve faked an orgasm. And if we’re inauthentic in bed, then chances are we are out of it, too. I know I was: at home, dismissing my emotions because my partner’s logic-driven brain couldn’t calculate them; at work, overcompensating on tasks for a colleague who didn’t read my instructions; during dates, sympathizing with an alleged feminist who trash-talked his ex-girlfriend half the time, and even at coffee shops, excusing the ill-mannered caffeine lover who spilled some of his double shot caramel latte on my now not-so-white Stan Smiths.

You get the point.

I’d accepted that unorgasmic sex was normal and losing was part of the game. Well, the game didn’t work for me anymore, but I didn’t want to stop playing. I couldn’t change the player, so I made my own rules. My satisfaction, I realized, was a requirement. Not an option. And just like that, I went from winning almost none of the time to nearly every single time.

So whether he’s in it for the long run or just for the night, treat your needs as needs. If he wants to play, then play the same game. Advocate for yourself in the bedroom — and beyond.

Now go get your home run. ■