I Don’t Want to Be Friends with Your Lover

By Melat Woldu

me:
i can’t wait to see you tonight <3

her:
bruh yes i missed youuu
also i hope u dont mind if i bring my bf

me:
PLEASE NOOOO I AM BEGGING YOU PLS LEAVE HIM BEHI-
ofc!

I love when my friends are in love. It’s beautiful. Really, it is. Something about the sparkle in their eyes, about them getting gifts that genuinely make them smile. I love it. This might sound bad, but every single time a friend celebrates another anniversary, a tiny part of me starts daydreaming about future weddings or being a bridesmaid.

As we’re all settling in young adulthood, I have seen this desire of wanting to blend friendships and relationships. There’s a subtle societal pressure to merge every aspect of our social circles, especially in today’s hyper-connected world. People often expect that if your significant other is a major part of your life, they should naturally integrate into your friend group, almost as if it’s a relationship checkpoint. But that expectation can create unnecessary tension.

I think it’s normal for them to be invited to celebrations, gatherings, or going out… but random tagalongs? It’s unnecessary. Not every dynamic needs to blend seamlessly; in fact, the healthiest relationships often acknowledge that some spaces — like friendships — deserve to exist independently. You’re not a failure if your partner and your friends don’t become instant besties. Please don’t expect it. I am truly begging as someone who ultimately has to deal with it.

Your significant other might be great and all, but that doesn’t mean I’m signing up to be their new bestie. It’s not that I’m against them — I’m just not feeling the desire to turn our mutual connection into some forced friendship.

Do I really need to be friends with your significant other? Like, seriously? I get why people want this. If your S.O. means a lot to you, and you mean a lot to me, it seems logical that we should all care about each other, right? But here’s the thing: our common denominator is you, and maybe it’s perfectly fine to keep it that way.

A lot of my girlfriends, and to be honest, myself as well, are very good at seeing the loser in your S.O. Subconsciously or consciously. All your friends think you are better than your S.O., it would be weird if we didn't think that way. So whether we want to or not, there's some protective instinct that is evaluating your S.O. Didn't laugh at your joke? Clocked it. Said something a bit awkward? Clocked it. Didn't say a word? STILL clocked it.

I agree that it can be easy to judge and maybe that's a problem (but that’s a discussion for another time).


The truth is, not every relationship needs to be this perfect Venn diagram where everyone overlaps and gets along. It’s totally fine if your worlds don’t completely collide. We don’t all need to hang out together all the time, and that doesn’t make your relationship any less valid — or our friendship any less meaningful.

It’s not about creating distance; it’s about preserving the uniqueness of each bond. Friendships are distinct from romantic relationships, and they serve different purposes. When we honor that distinction, it allows both the friendship and the relationship to thrive without overstepping into roles they weren’t meant to fill.

In fact, keeping those boundaries intact might just be the thing that keeps everything more meaningful.

*

me:
i can’t wait to see you tonight <3

her:
bruh yes i missed youuu
also i hope u dont mind if i bring my bf

me:
lowkey, I kinda just want it to be us…. ■