Thalassophile
By Anagha Rao
October 11, 2022
Graphic by Leilani Cabello
Part I: Swimming
I’m suspended in a sea of black
I feel nothing but cold waves cutting against my skin
Goosebumps litter my arms, but I’m enveloped in calm’s warmth
I know this feeling
The feeling that nothing matters
The feeling of drifting into the ocean’s beckoning arms — alone
That I deserve to be alone
I stay in this feeling for a while before reality capsizes me
How pathetic I am!
My calendar stares at me hauntingly
Forget floating — I have to swim
I have a shore to find
So I swim
Alone, of course
Because why would I invite anyone into these horrid waters?
My mind also contains a pending to-do list
Introspections and insecurities muddle the sea, but I drown them
They prevent me from reaching the shore, I reason
They’re unimportant
But they anchor me to the thought of sinking into the abyss
To stop swimming forever
The only way I can conquer the sea is by swimming
But the sea fights back
My shoulders cry for rest, but I keep swimming
I have to
I hate it, but I have to
I hate myself, so I have to
But even as I swim
Even as I try to think about nothing but swinging one arm in front of the other
One leg after the next
Twisting my neck for a sliver of breath
I feel one stroke away from submergence
But I keep swimming
It’s all I know how to do.
Part II: Drowning
The problem with swimming alone is that I don’t know what swimming truly looks like
I see myself as a dolphin — smooth, poised, elegant
I took pride in ignoring the muddle
If anything, it made me stronger
But I soon realized that I’ve been in the same place all these years
I wasn’t swimming at all!
I’m thrashing
And with every splash, I’m going deeper
A thalassophile is one that loves the sea
I’m a thalassophile
I have to be!
Who else would swim when the waves are crashing over them
When the bitter scratch of salt stings their lungs so raw
And it hurts so much to come up for air
That they forget how to?
So the swimmer refuses to breathe
Because it’s easier to suffocate in silence
Than admit that you’re drowning
Part III: Floating
I’m overtaken by aches
So much so that all I can do is float
Reluctantly, I turn on my back, and I’m enchanted
Sunlight frames clouds encapsulating the sky
A beacon slices through and illuminates me
Gulls nip and swoop with abandon
I was never swimming alone!
My shoulders no longer cry
Neck no longer contortioned
I let the salty breeze fill my lungs
For a second, I panic
Will I be the same when I flip over?
Can I trust myself to flip over?
The swells quell my worries
Maybe I won’t be the same
Maybe I’ll become the dolphin I aspire to be
Every stroke purposeful, no longer forceful
Or maybe I’ll never swim again
Wasting away in the tide
But why let the unknown dictate the now?
Now, I’ve never felt more ready to swim
A thalassophile is one that loves the sea
I’m not a thalassophile
I can’t be!
Swimming is just what I know
The sea will never cease
Its waves will continue crashing and I will continue to feel
The bitter scratch of salt in my throat
But now I know I can steal —
No, have — moments of reprieve
Turn on my back
Greet the gulls
Let the salty breeze inflate me
I have to confront the muddle to swim to shore
I can’t picture myself just floating
Swimming makes me feel strong
Passing over every wave reminds me that I can
I’m capable of finding a shore
But swimming through aches and muddle is futile
I know I can float now
I want to float now ■
I’m suspended in a sea of black
I feel nothing but cold waves cutting against my skin
Goosebumps litter my arms, but I’m enveloped in calm’s warmth
I know this feeling
The feeling that nothing matters
The feeling of drifting into the ocean’s beckoning arms — alone
That I deserve to be alone
I stay in this feeling for a while before reality capsizes me
How pathetic I am!
My calendar stares at me hauntingly
Forget floating — I have to swim
I have a shore to find
So I swim
Alone, of course
Because why would I invite anyone into these horrid waters?
My mind also contains a pending to-do list
Introspections and insecurities muddle the sea, but I drown them
They prevent me from reaching the shore, I reason
They’re unimportant
But they anchor me to the thought of sinking into the abyss
To stop swimming forever
The only way I can conquer the sea is by swimming
But the sea fights back
My shoulders cry for rest, but I keep swimming
I have to
I hate it, but I have to
I hate myself, so I have to
But even as I swim
Even as I try to think about nothing but swinging one arm in front of the other
One leg after the next
Twisting my neck for a sliver of breath
I feel one stroke away from submergence
But I keep swimming
It’s all I know how to do.
Part II: Drowning
The problem with swimming alone is that I don’t know what swimming truly looks like
I see myself as a dolphin — smooth, poised, elegant
I took pride in ignoring the muddle
If anything, it made me stronger
But I soon realized that I’ve been in the same place all these years
I wasn’t swimming at all!
I’m thrashing
And with every splash, I’m going deeper
A thalassophile is one that loves the sea
I’m a thalassophile
I have to be!
Who else would swim when the waves are crashing over them
When the bitter scratch of salt stings their lungs so raw
And it hurts so much to come up for air
That they forget how to?
So the swimmer refuses to breathe
Because it’s easier to suffocate in silence
Than admit that you’re drowning
Part III: Floating
I’m overtaken by aches
So much so that all I can do is float
Reluctantly, I turn on my back, and I’m enchanted
Sunlight frames clouds encapsulating the sky
A beacon slices through and illuminates me
Gulls nip and swoop with abandon
I was never swimming alone!
My shoulders no longer cry
Neck no longer contortioned
I let the salty breeze fill my lungs
For a second, I panic
Will I be the same when I flip over?
Can I trust myself to flip over?
The swells quell my worries
Maybe I won’t be the same
Maybe I’ll become the dolphin I aspire to be
Every stroke purposeful, no longer forceful
Or maybe I’ll never swim again
Wasting away in the tide
But why let the unknown dictate the now?
Now, I’ve never felt more ready to swim
A thalassophile is one that loves the sea
I’m not a thalassophile
I can’t be!
Swimming is just what I know
The sea will never cease
Its waves will continue crashing and I will continue to feel
The bitter scratch of salt in my throat
But now I know I can steal —
No, have — moments of reprieve
Turn on my back
Greet the gulls
Let the salty breeze inflate me
I have to confront the muddle to swim to shore
I can’t picture myself just floating
Swimming makes me feel strong
Passing over every wave reminds me that I can
I’m capable of finding a shore
But swimming through aches and muddle is futile
I know I can float now
I want to float now ■
Other Stories in Voice
© 2024 SPARK. All Rights Reserved.